If you asked me about a year and a bit ago what my opinions on metal health issues such as depression and anxiety were, I probably would have said something along the lines of ‘oh people like that’s just need to get on with it, it cant be that bad can it, they will get over it soon?’.
But now my opinion on the matter has really completely flipped. I’ve always been a bit of an anxious person when it comes to somethings for example meeting and talking to new people or even people I’ve known for years. It took me a long time to admit I had any issues as I just put my growing low mood and non existent motivation down to being homesick while at university. It wasn’t until I returned home from my second year of Uni for the summer holidays I began to realise I actually needed some help. I had no reason to feel so low but I just wanted to be alone all of the time, I had no interest in meeting up with old school friends, I felt way to emotional and had the shortest temper ever. I was probably such a horrible person to be around. I felt at a complete loss and saw no light at the end of the tunnel, I wanted to quit uni and just give up on everything I’ve ever really wanted in life. Which if you know me its very unlike me!
I think the moment I admitted I needed help was the scariest thing I have ever done in my 20 years of life. Maybe because I was trying to ignore the fact that something was wrong, thinking I would just get over it eventually. But after speaking to my mum and dad who have been nothing but supportive, we agreed the best thing would be for me to speak to a doctor. Then for probably the second most scariest thing I’ve ever done is then to admit to a doctor how I was feeling. I was so scared that she was going to just judge me and send me away, but she was so lovely and completely understood what I was telling her. After answering a few questionnaires the doctor said that I was suffering from both Anxiety and Depression and we began discussing ways to deal with them. I know it doesn’t sound great to be told you’ve go these things, but I felt a bit lighter knowing I wasn’t just being stupid and grumpy for no reason. I also felt a hell of a lot better for telling someone I didn’t know as she could hold anything against me.
Yes I am taking medication at the moment but it wont be forever. There will come at time when I know I wont need it anymore, but for now if I need it then its ok! And yes I am scared about going back to uni as that’s where I began to fall down hill the first time, but this time I know I have people to speak to and its nothing to be ashamed of because so many people go through depression without you even knowing a thing. I also try to keep busy, getting up and putting clothes on is always a great place to start or going dog walking with my sister or just doodling In a note pad.
And yeah some days all I still want to do is bury my head in the sand and I had a massive freak out in a night club recently that set me back a bit, but this isn’t something that’s going to vanish in a few days. This hole thing is a process and I’m glad I’m getting closer to that light at the end of the tunnel, and I now understand how to help myself from falling down again. At times throughout the last year there has been times where I felt so so lonely and lost, but the moment I began to share how I really felt I began to realise that you are never alone. Even if you speak to friends, family, a doctor, or even someone you don’t know that well talking helps a hell of a lot. I promise!
Thanks for reading.
Little Mayfly x