You may be thinking Chloe ‘What the hell are head gremlins’ but I am about to explain all (don’t worry I haven’t gone crazy/ crazier). Head gremlins is what I have recently named those voices in your head that crawl out of their hole and start to speak to you and drag you down into the deep dark depths of your mind that you would rather avoid. Those voices that convince you your not what you think you are or remind you that your not in control of a situation or your just plain dog shit!!
This week my head gremlins have been on a mad one!! There main subject this week has been ‘your not good enough for that’ or ‘Don’t bother with that you know you’ll be shit’. I recently decided to go to an audition in London in the middle of April (my first audition since leaving London/uni), but the closer we slowly get the more I’m backing out and dragging my feet. I haven’t booked travel to get there yet and I think that’s because I can see myself not going. Either not going to London, or stood outside the audition and not being able to go inside. I know I should be thinking ‘I’ve got nothing to lose, why not go’ (which is what I thought when I said I would go’ but I can’t get my head to think like that. Those gremlins are making sure of that!!
Before I went to university I was ambitious. I had fire in my belly ready to go out and do things in the world. It’s nearly a year since I finished uni and all I still want to do is hide my head in the sand with my tail between my legs. I didn’t fail uni I got a 2:1 so that’s really good, I was happy with my result. But somewhere during uni I lost my bottle, my confidence and my ambition. As my mental health went down hill at uni I think it all disappeared. I think I connect London with those bad depressed feelings which is why I think I’m dragging my feet? By the end I just wanted to be home so I kinda get why my heads not sure of going back. That ambition and confidence shows glimpses of returning for a short while every now and again like when I decided to go to this audition but soon disappears when my head starts talking.
Head Gremlins please fuck off!! I have an audition to go to no matter what you say!!
Does anyone else ever get like this? When you let those bad little thoughts become you? Let me know!
Thanks for reading this brain fart.
Little Mayfly x