Head Gremlins…

You may be thinking Chloe ‘What the hell are head gremlins’ but I am about to explain all (don’t worry I haven’t gone crazy/ crazier). Head gremlins is what I have recently named those voices in your head that crawl out of their hole and start to speak to you and drag you down into the deep dark depths of your mind that you would rather avoid. Those voices that convince you your not what you think you are or remind you that your not in control of a situation or your just plain dog shit!!

This week my head gremlins have been on a mad one!! There main subject this week has been ‘your not good enough for that’ or ‘Don’t bother with that you know you’ll be shit’. I recently decided to go to an audition in London in the middle of April (my first audition since leaving London/uni), but the closer we slowly get the more I’m backing out and dragging my feet. I haven’t booked travel to get there yet and I think that’s because I can see myself not going. Either not going to London, or stood outside the audition and not being able to go inside. I know I should be thinking ‘I’ve got nothing to lose, why not go’ (which is what I thought when I said I would go’ but I can’t get my head to think like that. Those gremlins are making sure of that!!

Before I went to university I was ambitious. I had fire in my belly ready to go out and do things in the world. It’s nearly a year since I finished uni and all I still want to do is hide my head in the sand with my tail between my legs. I didn’t fail uni I got a 2:1 so that’s really good, I was happy with my result. But somewhere during uni I lost my bottle, my confidence and my ambition. As my mental health went down hill at uni I think it all disappeared. I think I connect London with those bad depressed feelings which is why I think I’m dragging my feet? By the end I just wanted to be home so I kinda get why my heads not sure of going back. That ambition and confidence shows glimpses of returning for a short while every now and again like when I decided to go to this audition but soon disappears when my head starts talking.

Head Gremlins please fuck off!! I have an audition to go to no matter what you say!!

Does anyone else ever get like this? When you let those bad little thoughts become you? Let me know!

Thanks for reading this brain fart.

Little Mayfly x

50 thoughts on “Head Gremlins…

  1. I think we all struggle with head gremlins. We lose focus, ambitions, self confidence. It happens. I think that we must accept this, feel whatever it is that we must feel, and those feelings will leave us when it’s time to come.

    I like to think of bad feelings like a wound. It will heal. As long as you do not keep touching the wound.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Well, yes, maybe that’s why it’s hard. It’s supposed to be there to teach you something about yourself, so it won’t leave until you learned the lesson.

        But if you just accept it and feel it, then it will go away on its own accord. I know it sounds strange, but it’s how it is. Feeling are always temporary, but we get so caught (like in a web) that we feel as if they’re going to last for the rest of our lives. And that’s why we panic.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Head gremlins – I love the term!!
    Yep, I’ve done battle with them constantly and sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. I guess that’s often the way for many of us. I’m just so sorry you’ve had such struggles over the course of uni, going from the fire-in-your-belly attitude to self-doubt and loss of confidence. If it’s any consolation (though it probably won’t be) I’ve found this throughout my teens and 20s that I’ve had periods of serious self-doubt and hibernation from life, followed by an upswing of motivation and caring less about the thoughts of others and feeling jazzed about doing something with my life. Followed by a downswing… rinse and repeat. Doesn’t mean it’ll be like that for you, but it does mean you can conquer the head gremlins and take back that sense of yourself that you feel you’ve lost. It’s not lost, it’s just hiding and taking a breather. You can do this – you will rock those auditions, and all you can do is give it your best shot. You’ll only regret the things you don’t do, not the things you do. You’ve got this – you’re awesome and the gremlins can f*ck off!!
    Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for this amazing comment!! Haha it’s the best way I felt like I could describe them! And I completely get what your saying.
      It’s so difficult when you feel so “jazzed” about something then the next minute you have no idea which way to go and I guess your right to say you feel at a loss/lost! I think I felt lost when I came back from uni as I had nothing planned for my life and no way to turn!
      Thanks so much Caz my fingers are crossed!!
      And yes they can!!😂Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Calling them gremlins is such a good idea because you definitely don’t want to feed them after midnight. Best of luck with your audition, don’t let the gremlins win!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha! Love this post! I think it’s healthy to have these now and again and certainly to recognise them. I usually have to grab some quiet time to reiterate all my great qualities to override the little buggers.
    You go girl 👍

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Unfortunately those little gremlins, nasty little things, get all of us. I cannot tell you the amount of times Iv talked myself out of going to something. You need to find a way to tame them buggers and get them back in their cage. I find meditation helps me loads. It keeps me sane! Good luck with the audition, you’ve got this xxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I think it happens to all of us. Such thoughts reduce our confidence and efficiency. I think you should take a break. Travel to some far off place, somewhere in Asia, a different culture, land, and climate. It does help!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Yes I have these thoughts just hadn’t labeled as Gremlins. I am trying to live my life with less regrets – especially over things I can control. At the end of the day you will regret more of what you don’t try than what you do. Treat everything as a learning experience not a success or failure. Go for it – you so have this.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Oh honey. I can very much relate with this, though I was actually the opposite when I started uni. I was very much lacking drive, ambition and everything you should have when you start a new chapter of your life. It was difficult and it’s taken almost three years to even begin to turn that around. It’s easy to associate a place with unpleasant feelings because you don’t have the best memories of your time there, but sometimes it can be even more satisfying to revisit that place with renewed vigour and be the ray of light that brightens this grey, expensive little city called London (I would know). Smash that audition, I know you’re going to do great! xx

    Liked by 2 people

  9. The saying “you can’t succeed if you don’t try” is easy to say but harder to do…there is always the risk of failure, and while you do indeed learn more from your failures than your successes, it doesn’t make it any easier. All you can do is acknowledge these thoughts and consider the alternative: it might go great!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. But most importantly – IT IS DOABLE! As Sigourney Weaver said to Melanie Griffith in “Working Girl”: “Who makes it happen?” And she replies; “I do. I make it happen.” And it’s true, no matter how difficult, you can make it happen

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Ahahaha… I LOVE the idea of head gremlins!!! I feel the same way. They always seem to come in at the worst moments for me, but I’ve been trying not to let them control my life as much as they used to. Hope your audition goes well 🙂 xx Tatyana

    Liked by 1 person

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